The Transgender Joke

This is a complex issue.  There are a lot of arguments, debates, and flame wars that revolve around this issue.

Here's where I'm coming from:

It was winter (March 2015), and over four months had passed since I last worked up the nerve to present as anything but male.  It's hard to think of four months as "quick" but before then it had taken years to come to a point where I would allow myself to step out of the box I had been placed in.  I had posted the results of my last "exploration" to great success and my confidence was at an all time high.

This time I had actually gone out and purchased new clothes - something I thought I could never do alone.

I tried on one of my new outfits and looked in the mirror.  I stared for a long time, frozen.  The first thing that finally came to mind was 'what a joke.'

I wasn't beautiful, I wasn't cute, I wasn't even feminine.  I was a joke.

I spiraled into a deep depression, the new clothes haven't been worn since but for a matter of minutes, and although I am beating back my self loathing one day at a time I couldn't help but wonder where it had come from?

Then I remembered the cartoons I watched growing up where silly characters would put on women's clothes - look atrocious - and get a laugh.

I remembered loving (and laughing) at things like Monty Python where toady men would smear makeup on their faces, don wigs, and screech like parrots.

Was that me, too?

I have not renounced any of this entertainment, but I can't help but feel sorry for the walls they help build around my femininity.

I don't like talking about my gender issues.  

And the reason for that is I'm terrified of not being taken seriously.